Paul’s journey, that eventually found him standing in front of his church, giving his personal testimony at his baptism, has been a long one. Finding God has helped him reflect on his past, and he now has a better understanding of the things he went through – finding it both confronting and relieving at the same time. Here is his story in his words.
I’ve been down many different roads, and have also heard many tell me about their own experiences, but it doesn’t really make sense until you actually experience it yourself, because it isn’t just about the knowing. It is about experiencing God’s love, personally. We claim to know what we learn and don’t get me wrong that’s great to know. But when the two come together, man, you can’t describe it, because it’s an indescribable feeling.
There have been a lot of people who have told me that God doesn’t exist, or argue to prove that it’s fake, and that’s fine… they can try proving whatever they want, but no one can tell me that what I have personally experienced is false.
I grew up in a Christian family. We attended church every Sunday morning, and Sunday and Wednesday evenings. Financially we didn’t have much, but while I didn’t understand then, this was my introduction to Jesus on my journey. There were some crazy things in that church. It was corrupt, it hurt a lot of people including my family, using people for money and such, and while none of those things are relational to Christ, it gave me an introduction to basic things about Jesus like dying on the cross for our sins, feeding the poor, healing the sick. Knowing that things written about Him were all about love. But My mum and my dad also taught us and raised us to understand moral values and respect and kindness. Man, would we cop it if we got out of line! They did a real good job with that, raising us with those values and it’s stuck with me to this day.
As a family we stopped going to church when I was 10 or 11 and a year or two later, my parents. I changed schools multiple times and never did well… to be fair I was pretty disruptive both for my teachers and my parents at times. But come on, who wasn’t, right?! But by the time i was 13, my dabbling in drugs and parties had become more frequent and I had been introduced into older crowds that was all involved with alcohol, drugs, gangs and violence, and rolled around with all these older friends. To be honest, when i look back, I don’t know how I’m still here. As time went by, my road took take different (and at times, strange) turns. Along these different roads, my numerous circles of friends diminished and the friends i did have went down various paths of destruction leading to addictions, gangs, jail, and even death.
Am I guilty for doing some of the same things they did? Absolutely. I’ve harmed others, even when I didn’t want to. As I struggled financially, personally, with my work and with relationships, my tolerance decreased and my anger continued to grow. I was my worst enemy, harder on myself than on anyone else, always trying to figure out why I was failing at this and that. Trying to make sense of my life, why I was stuck in the same situations over and over. Trying to understand what purpose I had here.
Every now and again, especially when I felt lost in life, I would attend my grandma’s church trying to find answers. Sometimes it would take me a while to process certain situations in my life but while i was dwelling on the situation that anger would increase. I didn’t know what to do with it at times and sometimes I’d have outbursts of rage just within my house. I kept it hidden from people, how bad the anger would get, but I would be thinking of all the things I wanted to do to my supposed friends who may have wronged me in the past, people who’d disrespected me or looked down on me. And not being well educated or financially well off didn’t help my attitude. But not everything was bad in my life. I was blessed with two children, Aura & Kayden and there were moments I could be happy with what I had, not focusing on what I didn’t have.
Along the way, Shaun Abrahams started talking to me about the Sabbath (I had no idea what the Sabbath was at that time) and other different things. And Deanna Dutlow would always start to talk about Jesus, and at that time I was listening, although it was more like in one ear and out the other. It just didn’t really grab my attention, but what I didn’t realise was that these seeds were being planted.
Eventually I started attending Berwick Church on and off, and there I met Irene. I started doing Bible studies with her and at first I really couldn’t be bothered much and my attention wasn’t all there, but I was like “You know what? I’ll just go,” and I did.
But then a really dark time came over me. it was the darkest place I had ever been in. I had never anticipated having issues with my children, but something happened leading to my daughter refusing to see or speak to me anymore. I had always tried to make my home a happy and peaceful place for my kids to be in and I kept calling up to see if she would come and see me or speak to me, but she wouldn’t. It was the most heart-breaking three months I’d ever dealt with, believing I would never see her again. We had been so close, andTo know how close and i just lost what I had tried to build over the years. Gone.
My anger was pure rage none stop. I was resentful and just ready to explode. I couldn’t sleep properly, nor focus and my performance at work started to decrease. I would just be staring blankly at a computer screen, trying to focus and a lot of times I had to walk out of the office to gather myself. People could tell easily that I was stressed and bothered, sometimes I’d wish just for anyone to try me or cross me so I could release all this anger.
The anger drained me. My head felt heavy none stop, every second of the day my mind was filled with hatred, resentment and sadness. I destroyed things around me at home and though it was summer and sunny, all I could see was darkness. I needed some sort of relief, because I couldn’t keep dealing with the ongoing rage within me. The only thing I had going for me at that time was my bible studies I was doing with Irene. What i was learning would give some distraction from my situation. I felt more life in me studying than at any other time, I was so shot.
Late November, I went straight from my 12-hour shift, drained and exhausted, to my Bible study. It was about leaving all stresses, worries, fears, anxieties in God’s hands and He will take them for us – we cannot overburden him with our troubles. We went over verses about this. One was ‘Come to me all who are weary, burdened and heavy in labour and I will give you rest.’ I had never really known these things before and I was like “Wait! So what you are saying is all I have to do is place it in God’s hands and He will take all this for me?” This whole study just made all the sense in the world, these realisations I never had before started clicking inand while I was in this study, and I can’t explain it, but i just felt this overwhelming weight being lifted off my shoulders, and this ton of weight in my head just cleared up and as the study continued it just got clearer and clearer. We closed our study with prayer and when I walked outside, I didn’t see darkness, I saw the brightness of the sun, I saw light, I found hope, I found a meaning, I felt happiness, this feeling of absolute relief I was looking for.
It was too incredible to describe it, but when you hear about God’s presence, grace and love and delivering you from your troubles, I felt that, that day for the first time in my life. I slept the best I had in months and woke up refreshed for work the next day, going there with no worries and happy for once. Everyone at work wondered what happened, this guy’s done a complete 360 from yesterday!
I knew I only had God to thank, so I started to pray and give thanks and to trust in His timing. The weekend would roll around and I would pray that I could speak to my daughter. And then the next weekend… A few went by with no change and I was praying in my car one day, missing her so much, and my phone started ringing as I said her name. I answered and it was Aura saying she wanted to see me! It took a little while to build back our relationship, but we are there now.
To say I haven’t had ups and downs along the way since that Bible study on giving our worries to God would be a lie. I’ve fallen off and gotten back on, but there’s something powerful about a testimony. No matter how many times we fall off, Jesus sticks with us. Sometimes we do not feel His presence, but He’s there listening, answering in His ways, ways that we may never fully understand at that time. I may never be as financially free as I would want, but I am rich in what He has blessed me with in my life. He’s protected me, He’s healed me, He placed people in my life to help me and keep me going along the way, He gave me two beautiful children, He gives me food, He gives me shelter. He humbled me and keeps me humble, He brought me through everything, in every situation in my life, to get to experience that wonderful feeling that I was searching for. I’m free because He set me free from my troubles. Do I struggle at times still? Yes, absolutely, but knowing and feeling that incredible experience is what makes it easier to get through, because I know He is there with me every step of the way, I will trust in Him.
I give thanks to God and I give all the glory to Him. I can’t even put into words how grateful I am for what He has done for me. Even in the lockdowns I was not alone, because I knew God was there with me. He has helped me overcome a lot of habits and I didn’t even realise I had until I reflected.
‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.’
